playing with my memory

Just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Strange that I should see that movie now.

I have been thinking about X lately.

I remember going to see that movie with her. She wanted to be Kate Winslet in the film. She loved all the different hair colors she had.

Our friends joked that the movie was indeed written about us, because of the hair and Kate's personality, and because of the quirky geekiness of Jim Carrey's character and how similar that is to me.

Boy is that movie written about us even more now.

Watching it tonight, I started to cry.

It is true that even if love treats you wrong, you may want to forget the pain, but not the good.

I have been thinking about X lately.

There is a specific memory that seems to play over and over in my mind.

We were driving in the Jeep. Going to a party at TH's house. I was driving. We popped in the New Order CD, and the song that goes she's got one red eye, she's got one green eye came on, and we both started to dance and sing. Not for each other. Simply for ourselves, and with the utmost of joy and freedom of expression.

It wasn't the best memory of our time together.

It isn't romantic, or particularly a memory indicative of us as a couple. It just was so free and joyful that it plays often in my mind.

I try and remember the bad times. The feelings of separate desires that I know drove us apart. I can't quite recall them now.

I also don't really remember the good. Our early days together were so long ago that I can't quite remember them with feeling and emotion.

I just remember the little insignificant things that make a life.

I don't know if I am thinking about this recently because I am sick. It is such a comfort to go to easy places when you are sick.

Not that this is easy.

Maybe it is on my mind because I am looking at the divorce papers on my email as we try and answer separation questions in order to finalize all of this.

Maybe it is on my mind because her thesis show is coming up, and I am going to it, and her family will be there, and that will be odd and tough.

Maybe it is on my mind because I don't have another woman I am thinking about right now. My date isn't really a connection, and I lost TO, and I just don't meet anyone that even piques my interest these days.

What a funny movie to come across. A brilliant film. A pain in the heart.

What if you were told at the start of a relationship that the future held only the pain of your breakup, but it was a long time until then, and things would be good until that time? Would you knowingly go through with the relationship, or would you avoid the pain from the start?

I wonder.