Swimming in dangerous waters

Last night, or actually Sunday night, I went to a final party for the improv show that I loved. We met at a girl's house who used to be in the show; she had been coming to ours and had missed our last show. After watching the tape, we went down to her heated pool and Jacuzzi. Oh, yeah. Great time.

After the bulk of our cast left, it got down to a couple of guys who were on the make, and a couple of girls who were looking to be made. And me. I just floated around in the pool, thinking I was way too old, and way too mature, for all of this. I also thought, Oh my God, is this what being an aged actor in Hollywood is like? Swimming around a girl's pool who is much too young for you, and much too drunk to feel like it was a connection. No, not for me. I just floated. Floating is a good metaphor, right now.

As I drifted (also good), one of the girls from my cast swam over, and asked if I was all right. She asked how life was going; knowing all the circumstances, I think she was concerned I might be depressed. I told her that I was feeling the strongest about my life choices as I have in a long time. She was happy.

Then she said, "I was talking to another girl at ACME, and we agreed that now that you are single, you are dangerous. You used to be safe when you were married, but now you are dangerous."

I must confess, I was a bit perturbed by that comment. She is dating a friend of mine, and I have known this girl for over a year, and NOW I am dangerous. I felt like she was saying that now I always had ulterior motives. That's not true. I will tell you if I want you! And I won't tell you I want you if I don't!

When I asked a girl at work tonight about this interchange, she said that she agreed with my cast mate. She said that most girls operate with either guard up, or guard down. She said that it wasn't that she felt like I could seduce her, it was more like how to deflect unwanted advances. Guard up means you are ready for the unwanted attention, and will deflect with ease and subtlety. Guard down is you weren't expecting for this guy to hit on you, and it took you off your game.

I asked the girl at work if she felt like I was dangerous now. She said no. She said that she understood my cast mate feeling that way, but that for her, well, she sees me way too often to ever have her guard up again.

Again, I was offended. What did that mean? You see me so much, that nothing I could do would ever seduce you?! You mean to tell me, as seems to be a pattern in my life, that the more a woman gets to know me, the less attractive I am? Shit.

I think I am very unprepared for what I am about to begin. I realize that I never really understood women, but I had gotten to a point to know when I was in too deep. Now, it is all unfamiliar water.

I'm going to drown!