Lessons learned

So, I'm back.

Sorry to ignore this space, cuz I blogged on myspace so that everyone, namely my parents, could read it.

Slept a long time last night. Woke up in fits.

After the trip, I feel removed from the rat race. Which is bad. I need to get back into things. Part of me just wants to return to Sarajevo and be. Find some girl who I cant fully communicate with, and drink and live.

The thing with that though, you start to live, and then you start to get bored, so you find things that interest you, and you want to excel at them, and you try harder, and you fail, so you try even harder, and you take classes to not fail, and then you find that you have success, so you go further with it, and then you find yourself caught up in the rat race.

I don't mind the rat race, because it is the rat race to the finish line of things I love, but it does seem silly right now. In fact, all of life seems silly right now.

The problem is... I have a show on Friday, and an important rehearsal on Sat. that I just have to be in the right frame of mind for. These are the things I love and enjoy, and to do them right, I have to invest. When I wasn't doing anything here, I hated life. Now, I'm involved. It's better, but it is a rat race. So... trade off.

Tonight, I got recognized. I was at a club, which I dont go to because I hate them, but this was to support a friend's upcoming film, so I went. A girl I met and started talking to suddenly asked if I knew her. She said I looked familiar. I didn't know where she knew me from, and tried to guess, but no luck. After a bit she said she figured it out. She had seen one of my improv shows. She knew one of my castmates, and had come seen my show. She said she couldn't believe that that character was actually me. It felt great to be recognized, and to be thought of as impossible to be able to play that role. In a way, that is one of the reasons why I do it.

Still, lying awake at points last night, I was overcome with a sense of fear because a part of me just thought what am I doing? I felt alone in the world, and driving toward a goal that can't support me. Luckily, I was able to fall back to sleep, and when I fully woke up this afternoon, I didn't feel the dread anymore.

Yet, the girl who recognized me was obviously attracted to me, and I couldn't care less about her. I always thought that I was attracted to girls who liked me, and I felt that was cheap. That I was selling myself short by just going for the first person who seemed to give a damn. Well, tonight I disproved that theory. I could have easily had her. That both eased my mind and disturbed it. I was happy that I don't go just for anyone who likes me, but I was scared by the fact that I just don't seem to care about that right now. I can't think of anyone who I would even care to be with. Maybe that is not so important, but maybe it is also a bad sign.

We'll see.

Well, I'll be back here more often. Sorry for the break.